Congratulations on Becoming a Member in the Ensured Safety MLM Protection Family!

Image Credit: Peter Kadlec on Pixabay

Dear Reader and Valued Protection Member,

Welcome to the Ensured Safety MLM Protection Family! As a new Ensured Safety MLM Protection Member, you are now responsible for paying me $500 per month. If you don’t, I’ll pay you a quick visit to break your kneecaps. Or maybe a quick evening drink will lead to your house burning down. The point is, it’s really in your best interests to give me $500 each month.

I’m guessing you don’t want to pay me $500 per month, or get your fingers broken. Members really do get the short end of the stick in the Ensured Safety MLM Protection Family. Fortunately for you, Ensured Safety isn’t just a protection business. It’s a multi-level marketing protection business. You can climb up the ranks by starting your own protection business! All you do is recruit your own members, charge them $500 per month, threaten them with death and destruction if they don’t pay, and give me 50% of your profits. Once you have three of your own members you turn a profit. Suddenly you’re making $250 per month of profit, and for only a few empty threats.

Well, mostly empty. There is the occasional hobbling.

To have a profitable protection business, all you need is three paying members. Then you’ll achieve “Henchman” status, which marks you as a successful business person! To get to this level, we find that it’s easiest to recruit people that you already know. People that you can find in the middle of the night. Your friends and family!

You may be thinking that you don’t want to “victimize” your friends and family by “coercing” them into a protection “racket.” But you aren’t! You’re giving them the opportunity of a lifetime! Once they start their own protection businesses they can finally escape the rat race. They’ll be their own bosses, set their own schedules, keep the profits of other people’s labor. You’re making their dreams come true! Don’t worry about being a bad person for recruiting them; you’ll be a bad person if you don’t!

Starting a new business, especially one outside of your area of expertise, is always a daunting task. That’s why we promise to support you in your endeavor. We’ve created a series of classes to help you learn the skills you need to succeed. A sample of the courses can be found below.

  • Politely Informing Your Friends and Family that They’re now Protection Members: $400, In this course you’ll learn the delicate skill of manipulating your friends and family into viewing their victimization as a life-changing opportunity.
  • Visualizing Your Future as the Protection Kingpin: $1,000, This course will teach you meditation and visualization techniques designed to help you stay on the path to becoming the Protection Kingpin. These tools will help you build confidence in your ability to achieve that goal, and the charisma needed to convince people to happily give you their money (In exchange for not being beaten).
  • How to Break Fingers: $750 ($250 discount if you bring a demonstration subject), This course introduces you to the art of punishing non-paying Members by breaking their fingers. We’ll teach you the most advanced finger-breaking techniques, including how to identify their wallet hand so you don’t accidentally make it harder for them to pay.
  • The Fine Art of Burning Down Your Parent’s House: $1,500, In this lab course we will give you guidance from an experienced arsonist and hands-on experience in burning down somebody’s parents’ house. You’ll learn advanced arson techniques, and how to intimidate your parents into telling the police that they left the stove on.

Congratulations on starting your new, 100% legitimate protection business! We in the Ensured Safety MLM Protection Family are here to support you as you go out and achieve your dreams. And don’t forget, if you fail you’ll be sleeping with the fishes.

Pioneering a new research department at Beyond Efficiency. I write about building science, data science, marketing and leadership.

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